I can't even begin to count how many different ways I have been told to just calm down, it's all in my head or that I am exaggerating how I feel for sympathy. At times I literally want to grab someone and scream in their face until they understand that living with anxiety REALLY SUCKS. My own family downplays it until that moment when I have tried to suppress things to appear normal for too long and WHAM! EXPLOSION. I didn't choose this for myself but it has become a part of who I am and I have had to adapt and learn how to try to work with it. There are days I do fantastic and there are days I totally bomb. The days in between are the really tough ones. Those are the days I spend hiding because having anxiety and being public about it just isn't what "we" do.
Imagine your phone is ringing in the middle of the night and you answer. On the other end is a family member or a close friend calling to tell you they have been in a terrible car accident. FREEZE. You feel that rush of adrenaline? That shaky, heart pounding, incredible hulk blood running through your veins feeling? Now try to imagine living EVERY. SECOND. OF. YOUR. LIFE. that way. That is the type of anxiety I deal with most of the time. It is a constant undertow of pent up emotion that breaks just below the surface.
Welcome to my in between days. My hands constantly tremble but who wants to hear my problems so I explain it away with low blood sugar. My senses are constantly on high alert but who wants to hear my problems so I explain it away with bad hearing or eyesight. My cup is ALWAYS almost overflowing but who wants to hear my problems so I hide in the bathroom or my car or a backroom when the tears come for no reason. I can hear myself being snippy and think...man, what a bitch...but I physically cannot stop. These are a sampling of the many reasons I stay mostly to myself. It is much easier not to have to try to give logical explanations for a completely illogical condition and let's be real...saying "I have anxiety" when questioned gets you the "she is bat shit crazy" look 9 times out of 10.
I have found things that really do help calm me down. Writing is one of them. Music helps too. I have been practicing meditation and deep breathing to help give my body a break from the raging storm that is my every day emotional state. I have been making a concerted effort not to over extend myself too. I had to accept that I am going to have to cancel plans on bad days. Sometimes worrying over hurt feelings is just a bit less over spillage than the alternative....at least my cup does not runnith over like it would if forged on ahead with plans on an in between day.
I guess my incoherent ramblings are part explanation, part apology. If I have backed out on you or avoid making plans, don't take it personal. It's not you, it's me. Please understand I am just working on myself and keeping my emotional state within healthy boundaries. If, for some reason, you are reading this and you can relate, no matter who you are, don't pressure someone or assume they are just rude and uncaring. Beneath the surface they may be fighting a battle you may never know about. If you are fighting a battle (anxiety just happens to be one of mine)...don't give up.
Tomorrow is another day.
