Special needs??

My perfect daughters evaluation results came in over this last weekend.  It was a punch in the gut.  I knew but I didn't want to admit her delays.  I'm so tired of everyone else being an expert on my daughter.  This right here is why.  Clearly There IS something causing delays and until I have a diagnosis and treatment plan I will continue to push.  Welcome to the world of Special needs.

open letter to my ex husband

dear ............,

I have spent almost 5 years of my life in the shadows, being polite.  I will do that no more.  I am tired of putting on a happy face and pretending everything is happy go lucky.  You damaged me.  You damaged my daughter.  You damaged the woman you cheated on me with.  You damaged the child you got her pregnant with while married to me.  You are still married to her and living with another woman raising a child that is not yours....while you come up with every excuse in the book as to why you cannot pay child support for your own flesh and blood.
I stopped loving you many years ago.  I stopped counting on you...but your daughter did not.  She is INNOCENT and I have KEPT it that way.  I have not told her how you cheated in marriage...how you desecrated your vows to TWO women now.  I DO NOT want her to know the HORRIBLE things you do because I DO NOT want her to marry A MAN LIKE YOU.  The worst thing that could ever happen to her would be to fall in love with a man like you.  Do you have any idea how much it hurts to say that?  I wanted so much more for her than what you turned out to be.
While you sit at home blaming everybody else in your life for your downfalls, ANOTHER MAN helps me raise your daughter.  A MAN SHE NOW CALLS DADDY.  He did not initiate that.  I did not initiate that.  SHE did because he is all she knows as a father.  You can come in once a month and take your pictures and see her in HER home that HER DADDY AND I PROVIDE.  You can tell me that I am horrible because I will not let her go 3 hours away NOW when I tried FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS to get you to care and you turned your back.  I kept telling you the time would come that the window of opportunity would come slamming closed.  I warned you, I begged you, I threatened you.  I kept you a part of her life for 3 years by showing her pictures and talking only good things to her...EVEN THOUGH YOU WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH HELPING RAISE HER AT THE TIME.
Now, years later you think you can walk right back in and I am going to hand her over to you without a second thought?  Think again.  I tried to do that.  I stayed in bad hotels and put my self at risk for years to hand deliver her to you.  YOU ruined that, not me.  SHE DESERVED A DADDY.  YOU wanted to go out and stuff that thing that dangles between your legs into any whole that accepted it.  Is that what you want in a husband for her??????
NO.  I AM SORRY.  WHERE WERE YOU WHEN SHE HAD SURGERY?  Not with her.  WHERE WERE YOU WHEN SHE HAD HEALTH SCARES?  Not with her.  WHERE ARE YOU WHEN SHE NEEDS THINGS?  Not helping her.  I am tired of diverting her questions and avoiding the truth with her.  SHE DESERVES THE TRUTH and I will no longer hide it from her.

What you didn't count on was her daddy coming into our lives and picking up the pieces you walked away from.  HE held her after surgery.  HE comforted her in her night terrors.  HE is who she calls out for.  HE is the one that worked 11 hour days to provide for her.  HE is her daddy.  You are just one of the many adults in her life that come and go...when you are not around she is just as ok with things as when you are around. 

I am beyond tired of your bullying and upside down views of how things should work.  You split from me....not her yet you were such a COWARD you took it out on her because she is an extension of me.  THAT IS YOUR BURDEN TO CARRY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, NOT MINE.  You screwed up your relationship with her single handedly.  If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't even know who you are, yet you continue to blame me for things YOU caused.

BE A MAN.  grow up.  open your damn eyes.  You owe us an apology.  You owe her daddy a thank you.  maybe....MAYBE when she is older and can understand better she will make the choice to visit you.  MAYBE.  Then you can explain to her she has a brother she has never met because you don't know how to keep your dick in your pants.  You can also explain to her that her mommy lost her sibling due to the stress you caused from getting another woman pregnant.

Go ahead and put up your facebook pictures and write about how she is your princess.  WE know the truth.  I will no longer allow you to make me out to be a monster just to keep public things private.

The best thing you ever did for her was walk away.  Feel free to stay away.  Her daddy and I got this...as we always have.

ANXIETY!!

I can't even begin to count how many different ways I have been told to just calm down, it's all in my head or that I am exaggerating how I feel for sympathy.  At times I literally want to grab someone and scream in their face until they understand that living with anxiety REALLY SUCKS.  My own family downplays it until that moment when I have tried to suppress things to appear normal for too long and WHAM!  EXPLOSION.  I didn't choose this for myself but it has become a part of who I am and I have had to adapt and learn how to try to work with it.  There are days I do fantastic and there are days I totally bomb.  The days in between are the really tough ones.  Those are the days I spend hiding because having anxiety and being public about it just isn't what "we" do.

Imagine your phone is ringing in the middle of the night and you answer.  On the other end is a family member or a close friend calling to tell you they have been in a terrible car accident.  FREEZE.  You feel that rush of adrenaline?  That shaky, heart pounding, incredible hulk blood running through your veins feeling?  Now try to imagine living EVERY. SECOND. OF. YOUR. LIFE.  that way.  That is the type of anxiety I deal with most of the time.  It is a constant undertow of pent up emotion that breaks just below the surface. 

Welcome to my in between days.  My hands constantly tremble but who wants to hear my problems so I explain it away with low blood sugar.  My senses are constantly on high alert but who wants to hear my problems so I explain it away with bad hearing or eyesight.  My cup is ALWAYS almost overflowing but who wants to hear my problems so I hide in the bathroom or my car or a backroom when the tears come for no reason.  I can hear myself being snippy and think...man, what a bitch...but I physically cannot stop.  These are a sampling of the many reasons I stay mostly to myself.  It is much easier not to have to try to give logical explanations for a completely illogical condition and let's be real...saying "I have anxiety" when questioned gets you the "she is bat shit crazy" look 9 times out of 10.

I have found things that really do help calm me down.  Writing is one of them.  Music helps too.  I have been practicing meditation and deep breathing to help give my body a break from the raging storm that is my every day emotional state.  I have been making a concerted effort not to over extend myself too.  I had to accept that I am going to have to cancel plans on bad days.  Sometimes worrying over hurt feelings is just a bit less over spillage than the alternative....at least my cup does not runnith over like it would if forged on ahead with plans on an in between day. 

I guess my incoherent ramblings are part explanation, part apology.  If I have backed out on you or avoid making plans, don't take it personal.  It's not you, it's me.  Please understand I am just working on myself and keeping my emotional state within healthy boundaries.  If, for some reason, you are reading this and you can relate, no matter who you are, don't pressure someone or assume they are just rude and uncaring.  Beneath the surface they may be fighting a battle you may never know about.  If you are fighting a battle (anxiety just happens to be one of mine)...don't give up.     

Tomorrow is another day.

Getting Started

Hello out in Blogger land!
Just testing this out.  I generally guest write on blogs and always under as a ghost so this is something completely new to me.  I will be stepping out from behind my curtain and letting yall in.  Stay tuned for some reviews, fun, sarcasm and everything else that comes with being a blogger!